I rock ready, aim, fire while you rock ready, fire, aim.

A good day makes me very excitable. It does not necessarily make me nicer. Yesterday was a very good day. I had a wonderful afternoon and followed it up by watching Sons of Anarchy (amazing show) and smoking one of my favorite cigars thanks to Chad "Creedy McFlow" Reed. A good day gives me an excess of energy to put toward whatever I choose. Therefore I am becoming a Maccabee, a hammer, slamming down on blatant and stubborn ignorance. Here we go baby.

I am an ignorant man, but I strive to rid myself of as much as I can. In irony, I do not know the name of the young man who is fueling my fire. I will refer to him as The Boy With The Blue Hat. I will abbreviate his name to Blue Hat. Surprisingly, Blue Hat has a lot to say. From his appearance and my judgmental attitude, he appears to not know where his feet are. There is an arrogance to him that I can't quite figure out. Actually, I can. He is one that knows everything, but knows nothing, with an uncontrollable desire to be viewed as an intellect yet speaks out so much because he is scared of someone finding out that he really knows nothing. He knows he is ignorant. He must. However, he doesn't know that he is. I know. I know very well. He just commented on Aristotle's description of conversation in its excess, means, and deficiency. Those who talk too much look like jackasses, just enough is witty, and not enough is boorish. His views contradict Aristotle's. He believes that people who talk too much are boring and that people who don't talk aren't very smart. Oh let's rock this one, Flava. Do you not know, Blue Hat, that you are the epitome of this buffoonery while you speak in excess. Boring, you are not, because you have me on the edge of my seat every time I enter the door of this classroom.

Perhaps I will not discuss Blue Hat anymore: I'm just trying him on for size...get it? While I am in this class today, he may come up again, after which I will certainly give you more information.

Brief explanation: Blue Hat is ignorant with no idea that he is not. There is not intention of stepping as far out of his own ignorance. This is what I have the problem with. I tend to jump around and lose focus, so try to stick with me. If you do not know, you should not speak, unless you are asking a question to better your knowledge and understanding. Since there are very few people with that motive...sew your mouth shut.

I didn't swear during this whole post. Damn.

Missing the Point

I am still in Ethics. We are discussion Biblical justification in sexuality. Using literal interpretation, with no room for outside thinking, all things created by God are good. Therefore, sex is good because it was created by God. In an attempt to challenge my classmates to think outside the mother fucking cube, I tried something fun. I tried to compare cocaine use to sex. My point was not to try to justify the use of cocaine or other recreational drugs, however I do believe my attempt failed. Some kid just turned around and asked "Do you really think that marijuana and cocaine were around when God created the earth? Come on man." I chose not to answer him, not because I was defeated, but I saw that my point was lost. Literal translation without rational thought is deadly. I just found it humorous that I was actually asked that question. This crushes my hope for others.

I Contradict Here

Just now in Christian Ethics, a juxtaposing of imperative and indicative statements in the teaching of Paul was proposed. I don't disagree with this. The example in our text goes like this: You are Christian (indicative); now act like one (imperative). This is where I find a problem. I would also have a problem with this statement: You are a man; now act like one. The problem is the word "act." This does not sit well with me. There is a huge difference between acting and being. It reminds me of a bumper sticker that reads "Jesus is coming: Look busy." Yeah, its cute, whatever. There is a huge problem here. This should not be something just cast aside as a misrepresented meaning. I don't think it is. There is no point in acting like something if you are not truly being it. If you are a man, then you are a man. That is your being. There are primary and secondary roles and all that jazz on the side, but I will stick to the point. Reader, just know that I do understand different roles and that being a "man" is just a part of the whole being of one's self. If one must act like he/she is something, then the indicative statement is nullified. Plus, if I were to act like a Christian, in the typical and general sense, then I would be full of self-righteousness and evangelical bullshit. I am a Christian, based on the fact that I follow the teachings and life of the historical Jesus because I do believe that no better example of how I would like to live my life has been set. I am a man, therefore I have no need to act like a man. A true man, will have no need to act like a man, only to be a man. I am not trying to be sexist, I am merely pointing out a migration into adulthood from adolescence and teen years. A child can act like a man, but is not a man. A Christian can act like a Christian, but completely miss the sound ideals and passions that raw Christianity would encourage and merely focus on the themes of what Christianity has become. A girl becomes a woman, just as a boy becomes a man. In contrast, age does not define man or womanhood. I have met quite a few children that not only act like adults: they are. However, if there are adults that act like adults, would that also mean that these "adults" are truly just children acting like adults? Some may pass this wording off and tell me that I am missing the point, but I say that words are something that one can never be too careful with and that there is faulty thinking in this command by Paul. We as humans should not have to live or act like anything other than what we are. There is a journey for most to find their "true self." I never had to walk that path very long. I have always been comfortable with who I am. I will admit that there were times I wished I was more like someone else or fit in a little differently. I am not so ignorant that I will not say that there were times of wishing things were a bit different, but I have always been happy with who I am. I am a man. I do not act like one, because I have no need to. I am a Christian. I do not act like one, because I have no need to. If you can follow along with what I'm saying, provide a little feed back. I'm trying to be nicer. I have had quite the reality check recently and am trying to reflect what I have learned as of late in my writing.

I ain't standin' up for nothin'.

As I lie in bed after a good day gone bad, I am forced to consider the meaning of moral actions. I can safely say that Buddhism is worth shit, because there is no such thing as karma. I can also say that Christ must dead, because his mission is failing miserably. When did it become the goal of many Christians surrounding me to make someone's life hell? Perhaps it is a subconscious thing, or maybe they all got together and decided on the matter. As of late, I have seen no reward for good moral conduct. I also understand that moral actions for the sake of reward are in essence fake. However, sound ethical conduct does have consequences without hope for reward. The consequences as of late, are not good ones. I am punished for the good things that I do. Yet if I didn't do these things, the outcomes would still be the same. Honesty is a big thing for me. I pride myself in being honest, and if you actually read this then you must obviously know my use of this truthfulness. Perhaps I am wrong, but isn't a core value of Christianity supposed to be helping and caring for others? I do not believe that gossip and slander are including in the required action booklet. However, they have found their way into the high school that is Campbell University. I am a hated man. I am a disliked man. I am a rumored man. What have I done to deserve this? The answer is nothing. I am completely confident in stating that. What have the Campbell Christians done to cause this? That answer is everything. There can be no more hypocritical of a place than my academic institution. Don't throw the "everyone isn't perfect all the time" card in the game either. One is always in control of his/her actions. Always. There is a choice to make. I know of many people that have recently made the wrong choice. Heed my words with warning if you fall into this category: I will not do anything at all. Did you think I would say something along the lines of "I will come for you and beat your ass in?" Without the maturity I have gained in the past year, that would've been my response. However, I have a choice. I choose to withdraw from the society that beats me down. My hate does not flourish under my circumstances. The only thing that grows in me now is fear. I am scared to walk out of my front door, for fear of my heartache and pain. I do not know who has done this to me, but they did it well. I am not a very fearful person. However, the fact that an anonymous person who does not know me at all can ruin a newfound happiness and excitement of which I have never felt before, scares me. You will not see me around. I will attend my classes, and I will come home. I will continue my sojourn through life being hated and alone because of you people. I will not know love again for quite some time, because of the sheer lack of love from others. I hope that the happiness I felt for a short time is now felt by you, oh antagonist, because you won. You beat me. My heart is weak and tired from you. Oh you, follower of Christ, have broken me. Are you satisfied? Are you surely now in the presence of God? Are you loved and cherished now for your actions? Are you revered by yourself for the destruction of someone else? I hope you are, so that someone will gain something other than pain from this. I hope your life is without worry or pain. I hope that your find yourself fulfilled. I hope that through sacfricing me, you can find peace that is unending. I hope your ministry flourishes as it does now. I have left this sarcasm and bitterness behind. I am sincere and literal. I hope you carry happiness with you for the rest of your days.

Goodbye.

I have a label

Well, I probably have many labels, but the most recent self-proclaimed one is De-constructifier.

I like it.

So, my father dearest is back in the game over at Third Cigar Today. You need to check that out. Dude is smart.

I've got some new music over at www.myspace.com/youngbloodheart.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

Rock Steady

Saturday nights are good for me. I usually try to make it out to May's for some pickin' time. This past week, I took someone with me. I figured it would be rude for me to play and leave my friend sitting there alone, so I sat out in the crowd and just enjoyed the music. It occurred to me, that I feel weird just watching music happen. I have always been on the other side. While I have never played a show by myself with my own music, I have played in bands and what not since I was about 12 years old. I guess I don't feel weird, so much as I felt displaced. This was until I realized that I was in really good company and that I really enjoyed just kickin' back and listening. I think that too often I try to gain a feeling of control in some situations and suppose I also feel like I have to be a part of something that is in control. I am trying to learn how to sit back and enjoy. Saturday night was absolutely 100% better than I thought it would be.

Friday night was also amazing. Some of my friends came over and we went swimming at camp. Actually, they both work at camp, and one of them lives there. The other was actually working this weekend. So basically....I have no friends. I rode the waterslide naked...again. Good fun.

I hate Campus Crusade for Christ of NC State University. They have some wicked nice hotties, but they're dumb as hell. I swear if one more person tries to save my soul, I am going to castrate them.

I am listening to Face To Face. I miss the days before punk died. Being 11 years old, riding without a seat belt, learning to swear and practicing it on drive thrus, fighting, and winning.

Bring back the bassline.

As I sit here is Creedy McFlow's office, I am slightly disappointed by the lack of flare to entertain me on his desk. Perhaps he is just a simple man that only needs a black man on a Jesus piggy bank, a jumbo pen, an old phone, some office supplies, and a model care to get by. I am different. I would need much more. I would need a box fan to blow smoke out the window, a book with a hole cut out for a .357 (perhaps an encyclopedia set for my shotgun), some pictures of girls in bikini's (bikini's optional), some fruit roll ups, stationary safe for libation to help give edge to the drone of the workday, and a cyanide pill for those really long hours.

I find it hard to be in one place for an extended period of time. This does not relate to how I feel about North Carolina, which is of course the best damn state in the whole world ever! Sitting in a room, or driving too long, or having to speak with people that I am not fond of causes me to become ansty and anxious and I find that removing my person from that state of being. This causes questions to arise such as "what's wrong?" or "why are you just leaving?" or "what did i/we do?". It seems funny to me that there is so much concern over nothing, when if one leaves the church for any reason or doesn't show up for a few weeks there is no effort to restore the bond. In my experience, I have seen it simply turn into accusations that the person that left had some warfare, or was off sinning, or not keeping the faith, but surely God will bring them back. This enables people to sit back on their asses and let "God" do the work. I got fidgety with the church, and I left. I never got a question from anyone.

My thoughts are a little cloudy today, as I have a lot on my mind with the possible mishaps that could occur within the coming week. I will surely die a lonely old man. However, tonight I will be in the company of dear friends and hopefully that will take some of the stress away. Also, I should have quite an interesting post this weekend, as Campus Crusade from NC State will be renting our facilities at camp. Although I am an employee of Camp Dixie, and I am bound by honor to my father to keep my mouth shut, I am sure to over hear some interesting conversations. KIT LYLAS!!!

Hokay.

Somehow I have found myself, at this very moment, in front of a television watching TRL. LL Cool J is talking about hiphop. He said something that I find extremely blunt and intelligent. When asked where he believes hip hop is going he answered with something like this: Radio stations are only playing songs that appeal to 13 and 14 year olds such as Lil Wayne and most "I'm awesome" gangster rap. People that are 25 and older enjoy more hip hop instead of the rap that younger people enjoy, but radio stations don't play that. He then said that he will keep trying to relate and appeal to a more mature audience because he can't act like he's 14 years old for the rest of his life.
This really relates to how I feel about hip hop music. I really enjoy solid lyrics and beats, however I find the music of most popular artists to be completely juvenile. Go Cool.

I recently suffered through about half of a campus ministry service called "Monday Night Bible Study." The name is not misleading. It is a bible study. However, it is what is done after study of the bible that makes or breaks what I think of you. I was very turned off by the way that they require the group to stand while reading the biblical text of choice. While I will not tear into their rituals, I will discuss from my own experience, how they apply the text that they study.

I study biblical text for my own knowledge and understanding, and do not apply what I learn what my personal life, nor do I enforce whatever ideals I form onto others. The fact that I was asked to stand while they read, after I chose to stay seated, was complete bullshit and quite possibly the most Christian thing that they could do with that decision. Had the bible study been completely ecumenical, they would perhaps understand that the text is not a divinely inerrant nor infallible piece of literature. It does not take long when studying biblical text to see the imperfections and historical fallacies within dates, translations, and canons (which I think are completely...fill in the blank). In there study, there is a consideration of context, however they still chose to interpret the text literally.

This ignorance is an overwhelming force on me. I used to fight for the salvation of a faith that I knew and had experienced all of my life. The ominous cloud of Christianity and the taint is has become looms over my every move and breath. I am, however, resilient. My goal will be to bring this regime to its dirty, whorish knees. This is not to say that all Christians are bad people, and that not all Christians "get it." For those people, I will be thankful for and doing whatever I can to help them. Helping them, by doing what I am good at, is chopping the kneecaps of the dark bullshit majority of the Christian faith.

I will continue my sojourn into campus ministry here at Campbell University, and I will continue to pick them apart and take them out of their comfortable places until their feelings of displacement cause them to use their brains for more than the glory of God.

I am going to be starting my Christmas list soon. Please sign your name next to the gift that you will be giving me. You probably owe me anyway.

The myspace account that I was using for my music has mysteriously disappeared. I have created a new one at this location. There is a song called "Ornamentals" on this site. I wrote it last week after hearing about the passing of a great man that I spent quite a lot of time with. I have lost many people in my life to death. Each instance has been its own, but there a similarities in some stories that I put together in this song. As my music is an expression of experiences that I have had, this song is quite graphic and may not be what some people need to hear right now. I will not take offense if some people don't want to hear that song.

Time to smoke.

Bye.

Oh I smoke em'!!

One big "I'm kind of sorry" for whoever reads this. I haven't posted any blasphemy filled swearing or odd musical sojourns in quite a while. I will give a quick update. I have experienced a rolling restart into my college life. I am back at Campbell and trying things a bit differently. My perspective on what I study has switched to a strictly academic style. I am reading constantly and have found that I have time for only a few luxuries. One of these few vices is the smoking of cigars. I am actually in the process of converting an old lunchbox into a nice, little travel humidor. I am stripping the cedar out of some old cigar boxes and lining the walls of the box with it. Cool project I guess. Not that I would really turn down anything, but if anyone happens to have any San Christobals that they loathe, I would be more than happy to accept them into my collection, and proceed to smoke the shit out of them.

Hopefully if I find a bit more time, I will start to post here more.

For those

who don't know, I have music at www.myspace.com/ryanlafevers. You may want to listen. You may not want to listen. Do it any way so that I look cool with lots of plays because I am a vain individual who perceives himself through the critical eyes of others.

I See Sound

Figured I would share an influential video from my early youth. Video plays out very well with the lyrics. Work of art.




Yes I do care what you have to say
But I'm sure I'm having a very bad day
I'm tired of being sick and I'm sick of being...tired
Once a long time ago I caught a glimpse of you alone
I see sound
And I was so very scared
But now I've learned a new way to care
I see sound
I see sound from all around
I see sound from all around
From all around, from all around
What would you do if suddenly you turned around and everything was
No longer what you had planned and all the faces were not friends and
Everything you thought you wanted
Might be a mistake from when you started you'd
Change it if you could you know you would but there is no one else to be
She climbed out on the fire escape said
What are you doing you know it's late
People told me that you were back
But I'm kinda wondering "why is that?"
Once a long time ago
I caught a glimpse of you alone
And I was so very scared
But I took the thoughts and stripped them bare
Thought hey now who you loving
Saw you on the television
I see sound
I see sound from all around
I see sound from all around
From all around, from all around
I see sound

Week Over

The third week of camp here in the land of Dixie is over. Every Friday when camp ends, an eerie feeling of loneliness and nothingness sets in. Perhaps this only happens for me because I'm usually here after everyone leaves for the following weekend. There is a community here during the 4 weeks that our camp is in session. I had an elaborate explanation of how the church was supposed to be this way and how it has failed and blah blah blah but if you're reading this, then you already know and there is no point in me telling you about it. This past week we did a cardboard testimony thing at camp. I was not a counselor this year. I played drums. So I wrote on this piece of cardboard. The front said "Hope for Anything." The back said "Strength and Courage for Reform." However this is not true. Well, in part it is. I have the strength and the courage to run this race, but no hope nor faith that anything will ever happen. The front is what you were or whatever, and the back is supposed to be what God did. Here is a little insight into me. God hasn't done shit for me. As far back as I can remember I've been waiting on God to do something. I've been led blindly and have followed in faith for years, but have recently given up. God makes sense as man's explanation for existence and purpose, and while he serves as a great vice for people getting their lives on track, he just doesn't cut it. I'm not decisive enough to become an atheist, because quite frankly, I don't give a shit whether the existence of deities is true or not. Does it really matter? I don't think so. God is unnecessary. God is an excuse. God is a reason. Nothing more. I do what I can to help people out, try to take care of myself, then die. How many people will honestly give a damn about what happens after they die? Zero is the correct answer. You'll be dead. End of story. There is a heaven? Cool, sucks I missed out, guess I chill in hell, or if this guy's grace is as sufficient as they say, I'll be whisked away to heaven with everyone else. There is no heaven? Oh well, I'm dead anyway. Too many times God is used as an excuse for being good or doing good things. Shut the hell up and do that stuff anyway. I'm sorry for any reader who thinks this doesn't sound scholarly or smart. Fuck off. I'm just here to say what no one else will. I'm not out to bore people with rhetoric and trendy clothes. I'm here to give hope to the people who need, and to piss off the people who need it. I'm not here to censor myself, nor censor you. I'm not out to impress the cutting edge emergents, nor to support any cause. I'm just here to give my own insight into life and the events that take place before we die.

Misanthropy Pure

I have been a fan of a band called Shai Hulud since I was a freshman in high school. They have a new album coming out called Misanthropy Pure. As quite the misanthropist, I can seriously appreciate their new single. I will now post the lyrics and video for your listening and reading irritation. Most of you will hate this music. Thats cool with me. Read the words.



Misanthropy Pure

Understood,
This will read as a plea to vindicate intolerance as surely as it is written.

Understand,
Contempt born of clear perception is a birthright to those who channel it toward progression.

Preserve life through loathing.
Awaken hope within hatred.
Wrest insight from outrage.

This is a birthright and obligation.

~

Spiteful and ill-tempered, I know the character well...
A maelstrom of weakness and instability seething with viciousness.
I choose not to accept this;
Not into my life.
There is no hope of reform.
When pride is allied with hostility, all reason is denied.
I return the denial.

A glaring misconception of self-importance, I know the character well...
Heedless fool, so arrogant with no understanding of consequence.
I see this negligence.
I choose not to accept it;
Not into my life.
Absence of introspection neglects the outer world.
Let not the excess of lusts and comfort mislead you.
This world is not yours.

Feel the quarrel in just his presence, you know the character all too well...
A destructive man at war with his cowardice.
I detest belligerence, and I choose not to accept it;
Not into my life.
Keep separate these hatreds.
Undefined animosity is a device of the spineless, the means of a fool.
Focused misanthropy is opposition to these dark hearts -
Downpours of disapproval no words could begin to express.

~

To distort the truth to serve itself,
To oppose understanding,
I believe in man.
Man will maintain its hostility.
Have this faith.

~

Conflict in the chest,
To be concerned for the needs of such heartless men."

(Source: Shai Hulud)

Oh, where is my love?

Upon the arrival of dear friends, I had a great time last night. This is not to say that I didn't have a splendid time with my lady friend beforehand. First we watched a video called The Secrets of Mormonism. Supposedly, they believe that the god's are getting it like porn stars, sent their offspring to earth, and we're supposed to get it like porn stars here. I'm honestly not really down with that. Thats just my personal preference though. I would like to settle down with one woman and would be content to lie with her for the rest of my days. So the polygamy thing is out. Statistics used in the video claimed that the divorce rate in Utah is through the roof. Obviously something must not be right there.

But seriously folks, what I'm really interested in is blood atonement. Ho-ly shit. If you commit an unforgivable sin that God can't forgive, you have to give your blood. You do NOT have to give your consent for this to happen. They have their own mafia style hits. Wicked wild. In the documentary, a former Mormon lady was interviewed. She told of how she married her husband and they did not partake in polygamy and had an amazing relationship. She then informed the viewers of how he was taken from her by blood atonement. Her half-brothers came in and shot him up right in front of her. There were 2 others slayings within that family in the same day. So she told us this, and of course the obvious happened: she was killed 1 week after the interview.

I am going to make my own religion. I think I'll name it the "Whatevs." I can see it now. "Hey Ryan, Steve thinks this about this and stuff." "Cool man, whatevs. You got any steak?"

Uptight does not even begin to describe Mormonism. No caffeine, tobacco, porn...well I guess you don't need porn when you're sleeping with 15 women. They have their rules just like everyone else though. I mean, Christians are encouraged to beg forgiveness for their "sins" daily, but have they killed before? Oh yes. Cleansing of the wickedness of man by cleansing the man of himself...oh yes. Punishing the sins of others by waging war, then using the old testament to back it up. Because the Bible CLEARLY states that war is blessed by God. That was a joke. First, what does the Bible clearly say? Second, are you God? No? Then how in the hell do you known what he wants or approves of? Oh you read the Bible? Great cycle.

So, Christians aren't much different than other extremist religions....then again, what religion isn't extreme? So Muslims kills Americans...so do Christians. I mean, its not like we actually have a death penalty for the sins we deem unforgivable. Its not like good people are pushed away by the church everyday, left feeling judged, cast out, and damned. I would use the word hypocritical, but that word has been tainted by the preachers, so I will not touch it.

Thanks for reading if you do, feel free to use blood atonement for my heresy.

Seriously I'll probably have been whacked in about a week.

Wait. Am I telling you that there are people right here in America that view people as sinners only graced by blood atonement, and that would kill us because we do not believe the same? Are you telling me that there is such an occult following here that could do major damage here in the states with all of the economic shares that they hold and the bicycle gangs? Hell yes I am. You want potential terrorists? Look no further than Utah.

I don't care one way or another. I'm not out to hate on Mormons. I don't give a damn what you believe or what you do because of it. I guess if I believed in anything enough, I would be a little more extreme, but I'm too tired to run that kind of race anymore. I think I actually had a crush on a Mormon girl one time. Whatevs.


EDIT

Ok. Just in case this gets out of hand, many of the things that I said in this were complete sarcasm. I in no way discriminate against Mormons. Everybody believes whatever they want and that is fine with me. I am no one to judge. If you don't vote, don't complain. If you don't believe, keep your criticism for things you actually know about.

cool.

Somebody pray: I work on Sundays.

Today I was working down at the farm when a nice sized slew of customers drove in to buy roses. I was working between cutting grass and installing a drip-irrigation system when I saw a 50-something woman wandering aimlessly through the greenhouses. I approached her and asked if she needed help finding anything or had any questions. She would turn out to be a muse for a blog, and a very strange person.

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew you were better off keeping your mouth shut, and did so with a smile and a lie? If you have, then you will understand completely my situation today. Lots of people ask me, when they come to the rose farm, if I have any goals or if landscaping and farming is what I want to do with my life. So I'm looked down upon already and I have decided that opening my mouth (if you know me at all) will probably make matters worse. Therefore, I sit and take it, to be frank. Does it bother me that I get questions like that? No, because I actually am enjoying what I do, and am damn proud to be busting my ass pulling 12 hour days because someone needs my help. I have found that my response to things is, at times, very offensive, elitist, and black-hearted. Whoops. Today, a woman asked me this question and I replied by telling her a little bit of my story. This was the beginning of my "grin and bare it" afternoon. I told her that I had been enrolled in college, and that I stopped going to pursue a performing arts endeavor in South Africa. She immediately asked if it was "missions based." I responded by telling her that I was on no mission to do anything except for living. She then inquired as to the purpose of the 13th Floor ministry. I informed her that we did productions geared toward relevant issues in today's culture and society. "Well it was geared towards the youth, I assume," she replied. I tried to explain to her that when dealing with any kind of message, anyone can get something out of anything "based on the context of the message and what they derive from it. People can take the meanings of things based on their situation and apply them accordingly. Basically, one can make anything apply to themselves somehow, and can sometimes make things that weren't necessarily saying something, say something to them." I also mentioned some contextual criticism and how things that were mentioned in biblical text aren't exactly literal for us and we should take things and apply them in new ways. "Well, unfortunately some people actually do that," she said. Instead of my jaw dropping, I wired it shut. I told her of the downfall of the team and she proposed that it was God planting a seed in me. Honestly, it was all I could do not to make some crack about immaculate conception, or Jehovah getting me knocked up. She told me about "seeds" that God planted in her when she was "my age" and how they are just now being cultivated in her soul. A) What the hell? Cultivated in her soul? If you want Christianity to work, don't scare people off. Please leave your stupid ass metaphors at home. Again, really wanted to ask her if I could have whatever she was on. B) Not everything works out for some awesome, divine, life-changing reason, and thats ok. Just live and let live.

When someone is set in their ways, to the point where you would think they were actually screwing Jesus, I will keep my mouth shut. When someone is lost and looking for anything at all, I will keep my mouth shut. When someone is lukewarm, I will not spit them out. My mouth will have been closed the whole time, and I will not have had the opportunity to put them in my mouth (gross anyway).

Ok, so the funny and strange part. She finally asked for my name and told me that I was a very pleasant young man to converse with. This is probably because I did not voice my true (nor any) opinion on anything that we discussed and was quiet as a child should be. I went on my way to cut some more grass, and as she was driving out of the farm, she parked right outside the gate. I sincerely hoped she wasn't going to try to talk to me because I was very busy listening to my devil music and massacring grass. I quickly turned my back and started sinning in the other direction (I was working on a Sunday, dragging a Marlboro, and listening to music that said 'shit' and 'damn'). Out of the corner on my eye, I saw a flash. She was actually Jesus! Yay, guilty church story ending! No. She was taking pictures. Not of the roses or barns or cars going by, but of me. She was taking lots of pictures. I left the grass un-mowed and got out of there as soon as I could. I turned one last time to see if she was gone. Her face still stuck to her camera: Her camera still stuck on me. Evidently, she is in a painting group. They paint portraits and real-life stuff.

So, with me keeping my mouth shut, she will probably paint me cutting grass for Jesus, with a divine aura surrounding me. Perhaps, she will paint Jesus walking beside me, stopping traffic as I mow the roadsides. Best case scenario: A canvas with me cutting grass in the nude goes on eBay for 20 bucks.

Forever Mexican

Today I started a new job. It is practically my old job, just new places. I am working at a rose farm. My job thus far, is to cut grass at some old dude's mansion and keep up all his basic landscaping, doing the same at a trailer park, doing whatever my boss tells me too, and contemplating the irony of all this.

A. My former job was doing the landscaping at camp.
B. I go from keeping up a mansion, to a trailer park.
C. I do whatever people tell me to.
D. I think too much.

It seems funny to me that when we have to do things for the rich, old man in the million dollar home, we call it work. When we have to struggle to find time to take care of our own shit, we call it "trying to stay alive." People will do almost anything for money. Almost, ie: I would never hook up with a fat chick. Yet when we need to do the exact same thing for ourselves, we find all our time and energy going into doing it for others. Now, some people I know (I won't say friends for the sake of generalizing) will say that this is servitude and its the first step in blessing and pleasing God. This implies that there is some kind of reward for the work. "Oh its not for the money, its for my rite of passage to heaven." I never really read anything about Jesus doing things for a reward. Where is the human decency to help others without some incentive? It exists in books or movies, maybe. Oh, and I don't believe in heaven. In fact, I think most religious things are absolute shit. This makes people angry and defensive. Oh, they don't show it all the time, but if they aren't pissed, they're either freaked out or praying for me damned soul...damned to the hell that I don't believe in. Others may say that it is the key to Christianity to do for others before ourselves. While the God thing doesn't work for me anymore (never really did in the first place), and the Christian thing is true for the most part, this whole doing for others first does apply to a lot of things in life, but we must learn to take care of ourselves somehow. Oh, there is my argument's flaw: it is impossible. It seems that the way things are set up for me at the moment, do not allow me any time for this. I wake up, go to work, eat lunch, work more, get tired, and go home, not to mention the incredibly unhealthy sunburn I received today. By the time I get home, I'm too tired to do anything for myself, other than the occasional World of Warcraft raid. Even if I complete the typical "American Dream" (go to school, get a good job, get married, blahaha) the routine will still be the same. Perhaps it will be different, and I'm sure it has worked out for other people, but until things look up for me, I will continue to work and bring in the money (that quickly runs out) and be:

Forever Mexican

Ooo Baby I Like It Raw

If you read anything that I write beyond this point, you will probably say that I need Jesus. I will reply to you with the simple answer that "he died."